How to Catch a Maggie

I was walking from my lab today to meet my friend Nancy for lunch at Kendall. On the way there, you have to walk through a skinny MIT building where there are two normal doors and one revolving door. When I arrive at the building, I see about 8 signs like this one:










They're posted everywhere, taped to every door, to every single side of the revolving door, and even two freestanding signs. I say, "Hey! Here's something good and fairly easy I can do for the environment, it doesn't take any of my time or money, so why not!" (Even though I've been a little afraid of revolving doors ever since I saw that scene in The Godfather when they trap a guy in a revolving door and shoot him to death.) So I go through the door, and feel a tiny bit better about myself and my impact on the planet. Then, 20 seconds later, after I had traversed the length of the building, I come across a second set of doors I needed to go through to get to Kendall. Well what luck! Another chance to save the world, one door at a time!

I go ahead and start going pushing through the door, while a kindly-looking older Asian couple behind me waits their turn to go through as well (That's right! Not only am I saving energy, I'm inspiring other people to do the same! Captain Planet would be proud.) I'm a quarter of the way through the door, thinking of all the great super-easy environment-saving things I can do in the future, when all of a sudden...

BAM! The door stops moving...

"Hmmm, that's weird, guess this door is locked after all, guess I'll just go back the other way."

But alas! The door won't move that way either! I'm officially trapped in the tiny triangular air space in the revolving door, and have no idea how to get out. The nice Asian couple sure didn't know either, so they go run to a nearby cleaning lady for help. In the meantime, I'm standing there, looking like a sad little animal at a zoo being held captive in a space that was clearly meant for a much smaller animal, wondering to myself how much air people really need to survive.

In the meantime, people are walking by, going through the regular, functional doors, acting like there's nothing wrong, as if there wasn't a frightened blond grad student on display in a wedge-shaped glass cage immediately to their right. (a few people stop momentarily and look at me funny, but mostly they just go about their business).

Finally, after what feels like an hour but is more likely 90 seconds, the Asian couple comes back with the cleaning lady, and I think yes! I'm saved! When she gets closer, however, I see that she looks PISSED, and when she gets to me, she starts yelling: "What are you doing in there!? Why wouldn't you just use the regular door! It's locked! There's nothing I can do! You're stuck in there! I guess I'll have to call the security guard to come let you out... grumbleragglefragglesnargle stupidkidsmakemyjobsohard"

I feebly try to gesture to the 15 "Please use the revolving door" signs that have wallpapered the entire building, hoping that will appease her, but she just throws her hands up in the air and walks away, pulling out her phone to call what I can only hope is the security guard. I now am desperately trying to hold back tears because:

a) I don't like being yelled at
b) The Asian couple, apparently my only friends in this situation, have left me
c) I'm still trapped in a door.

Another hour (or possibly 90 seconds) later, the lady comes back, still yelling into her phone in another language (for all I know, she's just complaining about my stupidity to her friends), bends down to her side of the bottom of the door, and pulls up a little latch that releases the door. FREEDOM!!! I don't even care that this woman is now lecturing me about how she hopes that now I've learned my lesson about not using revolving doors, and I don't even attempt to point out the irony of her telling me this in the face of the 4 billion signs. I simply make sure the door is legit. locked now so it can't take any more prisoners, then carry on with my lunch and my day, but not before yelling out to the universe...

..."wah wah"